Quantum Storytelling

25 Cinematic Cliches I Never Wanna See Again. Courtesy of The Cultural Gutter.

My favs:

21. That it’s only after the detective has been suspended (and obligatorily forced to place his badge and gun on the lieutenant’s desk) that he can properly crack the case.

19. People being chased by a car who run top speed down the middle of the street instead of simply ducking somewhere where a car can’t follow, which happens to be pretty much anywhere except the middle of the street.

15. Women that never have enough sense to keep running while being chased by an enemy unless a guy is pulling her along by her hand or wrist — despite the fact that this takes them far below the speed either one could go on their own.

I could add a few of my own, such as…

• The villain dies twice. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. The hero defeats them, only… no, wait, here comes the villain’s arm to grab at them–they’re still alive! It’s not quite over yet! Equally funny is that this death grab is often easily shaken off or dispelled with a quick shot to the head or an easy pull away… which only further proves how the villain is no longer a threat, and never really was after the ‘first death’ — a contradiction to the purpose of the device?
• Similar to Cultural Gutter’s #19, the innocent bystanders on the sidewalk during a car chase–why must they always waffle between running one way or another, playing chicken with the oncoming cars before diving out of the way at the last second?
• You always hear police cars long before they arrive, in the name of ‘tension.’ For once I’d like to see somebody just open a door and be staring at a police officer, or peek out the window to see the cars have arrived… no ’siren warning.’
• Whenever someone opens a bathroom medicine cabinet in a suspense or horror movie, the villain is behind them in the mirror when the medicine cabinet closes.
• Likewise, whenever a shot depicts someone opening a refridgerator door from the side, someone will be standing there when the fridge door closes. Filmmakers never seem to tire of these ‘jump’ cliches.
• Along the same lines, many suspense and horror movies use a cat as the ‘false-scare’ moment. When it’s not the killer or villain, it’s always a cat! Why a cat? And why does the cat always scream, whine, or hiss during the jump moment?

Funny stuff. I’d like to think that most novel writers, by virtue of differences of the mediums, don’t have these things in their story…

What’s at the top of your cliché list?