As I edit this first scene, I notice a bad habit of mine that crops up pretty often. I’m too explicit. I leave nothing unexplained. It’s not just a matter of using too many words. As I visualize a scene while writing it, I have a hard time resisting the temptation to describe anything and everything I feel is pertinent to the scene. Here’s an example;

Three of my characters are in a gunfight, surrounded by enemies. One of them gets shot. One of them jumps up, reacting badly to the one who was shot. The third pulls him down, and proceeds to explain how they have to keep a cool head because help is on the way.

As I edited this scene down, I realized there’s no need for my hero to explain to his frantic friend why they all need to keep a cool head. All he has to do is pull him down and tell him to stay down. Why would he need to explain any more than that? Clearly standing up into a barrage of whizzing bullets is bad?

And yet, when I wrote it I couldn’t resist the urge to have my hero talk the other character down.

Another example is a detailed description of enemies emerging from a forest. Keep in mind this is a script not a novel, so exactly *how* they emerge from the forest is not as important as the simple fact they do. You can safely leave a lot of little details like this up to interpretation.

Not everything has to be spelled out and made explicit. The core rule of Delete & Forget is if your story is still intact after you’ve omitted a certain sentence or paragraph.

Are you too explicit?

“He knew that Sarah would never go for a trip to Tuscon. In all his time spent with her, Matthew had never once heard her say something good about the town. In thinking about the situation, he decided to try and avoid the topic altogether because her ex-boyfriend Larry lived there. He knew he was better off not mentioning Tuscon or Larry, at risk of starting a fight with her.

That was until Larry came home covered in blood one night. He’d been moonlighting as a criminal, and while on the job his partner got shot. What Sarah didn’t know is that Matthew was the partner. It was his blood on Larry that night. It was his blood that had dragged Sarah across time and space, and gotten her involved in the criminal underworld. She couldn’t have known it at that time, but it was all Matthew’s fault.”

He knew or she knew is a sure sign of rambling off into character headspace. It is telling, not showing. I don’t want to know why Matthew knows not to bring up a certain topic with Sarah. I want to witness him having a conversation with Sarah, and dancing around the subject Pinteresque style.

“I have to head out of town.” Matthew said.
“Why, where?” Sarah asked.
“I need to go get the money.”
She hesitated a moment, thinking. “I’m coming with.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not? I’m part of this deal too, ya know.”
“You won’t like where we’re going.”
“How do you know that? Try me?”
“Are we really going to fight about this?”
“We’re fighting now?”
“No, you just have to take my word for it.”
“No I don’t.”
“I didn’t want to mention the thing.”
“What thing?” Her voice cracked.
Matthew sighed. “Nevermind.”
Sarah bristled. “The thing I think you’re talking about? That thing?”
“I don’t know, depends on what thing you’re talking about.” Matthew said.
Sarah put her hands on his shoulders, and pushed him back on the mattress. “What the hell are you saying? Spit it out.”
“You won’t like it.”
“How can you possibly say that?”
“One word.”
Sarah sat for a moment, thinking. Her face grew tight, and her mouth formed a grimace. “Tuscon. You’re talking about Tuscon.”
The air conditioner of the hotel room went on humming its tune.
Matthew cleared his throat. “Actually, I was talking about Larry.”
She launched back at him. “Same difference. I hate that damn town.”
Michael’s shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault.”
“What? What’s your fault?” She leaned in close.
“Everything.”
Sarah began to fidget with the ring on her finger. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Nothing, nevermind.” Matthew groaned, punching the mattress.
“Tuscon and Larry seem to bother you more than they bother me. I want to know why.”
Matthew sighed again. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right, I don’t understand.” She looked at the scars across Matthew’s stomach. The furrow of her brow changed. Her face went white . Sarah stood up, and walked a few paces, then circled back. She was wringing her hands. “It was you. It was your blood on Larry that night.”
Matthew’s didn’t say a word. He wouldn’t look at her. He just sat there on the bed, the puppy scolded for chewing on a slipper.

Now, the back and forth dialogue is just a first pass. The scene is in danger of talking head syndrome. It could use some more action. Although passivity may be part of Michael’s character, it makes for a dull scene. Maybe he gets a beer out of the hotel refridgerator, or a bag of supplies they brought with them. Maybe he slams the little fridge door, or tosses the bag aside with emphasis. Body language is important. The scene already has some, but it could use a little more. Maybe even some dramatic outbursts of Michael expressing his inability to communicate in direct fashion — some physical venting might work nice.

All that said, the entire thing is better than a few paragraphs of rambling in the character headspace.

I don’t want an abstract explanation of how or why a character knows certain information. Don’t give me an evaluation inside the character’s head. Like lots of readers I enjoy the mystery over whether or not a character knows more than they are letting on. The only way to do this is through confrontations and dialogue.

“He knew,” is the enemy. Show, don’t tell.

P.S. This is just a little practice scene I whipped up to sharpen chops. Got any suggestions for making it better? Totally open for some collaborative fun here for the sake of learning.

Update: By interesting coincidence Crof just did a similar post.

Two things that have been nudging me along:

1. Shower crayons—-yes these have helped a lot, surprise, surprise. But I’ll talk more about that in an update post once I have enough of the shower walls covered to take a neat photo of it.

2. Reading lots of fiction. In the past I’ve gotten absorbed in books on writing as I work on my story. This time, I’m buried in fiction. This is hard to explain but reading other peoples’ work while I get in gear on my story gives me confidence. Why? Because even best-selling authors aren’t perfect. I find myself noticing plot, logic, story, or writing flaws. And then I tell myself, “But millions of people enjoyed this book so it doesn’t matter.” Something about letting the critic be beat down while reading a successful, less-than-perfect work allows me to loosen up a bit as I work, and not be such a perfectionist worrysome self-nag.

24 more… let’s hope I can knock these out in the next couple weeks and get started on the writing again. If I get the scenes in place I could go nuts writing and be done by September to start outlining Story # 2 for the 2006 NaNoWriMo.

Gotta love that anxious energy. Go, go, go!

Because you know… I have to buy all the books in the world RIGHT NOW otherwise I might not be able to read them later, when every single one of them goes out of print, or Amazon explodes, and libraries everywhere shut down. I must prepare for the literary apocalypse, upon which my collection of unread books will become priceless!

It will be like Mad Max. Collectors and librarians will start showing up at my house with mohawks, leather outfits, chains and sawed off shotguns, threatening me to turn over my pristine copy of Philip K. Dick’s ‘Dr. Futurity.’

No, no. We must calm ourselves and realize that this is never going to happen. If you’ve got five thousand books to read, another one isn’t really going to satisfy the hoarding compulsion!

Much of the editing process is hyper-critical of the language and ideas. Occasionally as I edit I find golden opportunities to insert something important that strengthens the themes and ideas.

For example, there is serious black market trade in my universe. The heroes enter the hideout of a shady character. This shady character is a trader and a scavenger. When I wrote the first draft I described some interesting things he had laying around his hideout.

I realized during this editing pass though, that none of the things I described were necessariliy illegal. They were just ‘interesting things’ in a broader sense. Bits and pieces of larger things you might see in this futuristic city and world. So here I have the opportunity to insert description of some of the things that are illegal to trade or very rare. Somehow I missed out on that opportunity the first time around.

Rediscovering this opportunity on the editing pass brought a smile and surge of excitement. Opportunities to strengthen the ideas and themes of the world or characters brighten the drudgery of language edits & cuts.

There is some joy to editing afterall!